This is an extract from The Secret of Love: Unlock the Mystery, Unleash the Magic by Lori Carpenos and Christine Heath

Jane and Tom

Jane: Tom and I had been in an on-and-off relationship for about three and a half years. It was one of those argumentative relationships. We were miserable much of the time. We’d split apart, but something kept bringing us back together. I just really wanted to have that close, beautiful, soul-sharing relationship we had when we first got together. But we couldn’t quite get there. We were both searching for peace, looking for a spiritual answer. I was meditating and doing yoga every day. We both had a lot of beliefs about everything. One strong belief was that society was all messed up, and that was why it was so hard to feel peaceful. So we just kept moving farther and farther away from society until we wound up living up in the Yukon, in the wilderness. It was just the two of us in this little cabin at the end of a 90-mile-long lake. We had no electricity and no running water; we were really off the grid.

We had a lot of adventures there; it was a beautiful place, but we’d still argue and bicker. Then we went to visit friends in Vancouver, and I wound up hearing a cassette tape of Syd Banks. As I listened to the tape, I started having this beautiful, peaceful feeling.

Soon afterward I ended up going to Salt Spring Island where I met Syd and his wife, Barb. I went to one of Syd’s talks. The feeling in the room, and seeing all these couples who were happy together, gave me such hope. I just couldn’t believe I was seeing all these people in happy relationships. [laughs] Something I really wanted deep in my heart but had given up on ever finding. 

When Syd started talking, I wasn’t really understanding what he was saying, but the feeling was so strong, it honestly didn’t matter that I wasn’t understanding it. At one point he said something about Divine Consciousness being within each one of us. At that moment, my world changed. 

I had thought that finding peace and happiness required some sort of search, but when Syd said that and I got that insight, I felt this joy and incredible peace. I just knew that my happiness came from within me and not from outside of me. That was the insight that really changed everything. 

I went back home to the Yukon. It was so funny because when I went back, all the little things that used to bother me just didn’t bother me anymore. Before, every time I got in a bad mood or felt down, it was Tom’s fault. [laughs] I didn’t know any better. [laughs] I just thought if I’m sad, that means he’s doing something (or not doing something) to make me feel that way; or if I’m annoyed, then he’s doing something to make me feel annoyed. [laughs] This time, I wasn’t feeling unhappy; I wasn’t feeling sad. I felt so at peace. I felt like I had found what I had been searching for. And also, you know, if any little thought would come up, I knew it was just my thought; it was just me. It wasn’t anything else, and it was easier to just let it go then. It was unbelievable. 

Tom: When Jane came back, I noticed she was a lot easier to get along with. [laughs] 

As Jane said, we were living in a very remote place that was 60 miles from the nearest tiny, tiny little town, at the end of a lake with no roads and no way to get there except by boat. Jane ended up having to go back into this little town because she needed medical treatment. Before leaving, she said to me, “I will see you in a couple of weeks.” But she didn’t come back in a couple of weeks, she actually came back a month later; and during that time, winter arrived and the lake froze over. I spent an entire month completely by myself with no one to talk to, nothing. Something really hit me during that time. I was alone and realized that all the things that seemed to be making me miserable were no longer there, but I was still miserable. It hit me that everything I was trying to get away from I brought with me in my head. It was as if I hadn’t gotten away from anything. I still wasn’t happy! 

Jane: Prior to hearing Syd, Tom and I couldn’t imagine being married and bringing children into the world. I couldn’t imagine being in a relationship stable enough to bring up children. 

Things really changed after that trip to Salt Spring. So many limiting beliefs fell away. We moved from the Yukon to the island, and within three months, we decided to get married. Both of us knew it was the right thing to do; we told our parents, and they were overjoyed. On New Year’s Day 1977, we had our wedding in my sister’s finished basement that she had decorated beautifully. Soon we had our daughter, and then, three and a half years later had our son. It was that beautiful foundation that was the saving grace for our marriage and for raising our children. Not that there weren’t ups and downs; there definitely were. [laughs] You know, large and small, but just knowing that the answer is within made all the difference. We also knew that both of us, and our children, had wisdom and health within us that we could turn to, to get through the hard times. It helped us go through those ups and downs with a lot more grace and sanity. We are still learning how to live life gracefully from an understanding of the Three Principles. It’s always unfolding more deeply. 

There have been times in our marriage when we felt quite distant from each other and yet, you know, there was that knowing, underneath it, that it’s just Thought; it’s not what’s real. What is true is that love is what we really are.

 That wisdom comes to the surface as we encounter things that seem negative, and we come out with a deeper understanding. I’m so grateful, and seriously, it’s never-ending. It continues to happen to us.

This is an extract from The Secret of Love: Unlock the Mystery, Unleash the Magic by Lori Carpenos and Christine Heath

Lori Carpenos, LMFT is a marriage and family therapist with a global online practice, based in West Hartford, Connecticut, USA. She has been passionate about sharing the three Principles that explain many life mysteries, and all psychological experiences, as articulated by the late Sydney Banks, since 1985 through writing, counseling, mentoring, and facilitating “Mystery School”, a six-week online course to study the teachings of Sydney Banks. She is the co-author of “The Secret of Love, Unlock the Mystery, Unleash the Magic”, with Christine Heath; “Healthy Thinking, Feeling, Doing From the Inside-out,” with Jack Pransky; and the author of “It’s an Inside-out World”