I Don't Know You Well Enough To Lie To You
Photo by Cottonbro
The statement stopped me in my tracks. What an interesting idea, I thought. “I don’t know you well enough to lie to you.” It was spoken recently by a new friend of mine.
It’s true we didn’t know each other well; this was only the 4th get together. We were headed for a picnic on the lawn at Tanglewood, geared up to see Yo-Yo-Ma.
One sentence: “I Don’t Know You Well Enough to Lie to You” blinked internal neon lights at me.
As I pondered those words, everything around me seemed to stand still as countless stories from my clients flooded my mind --- mainly stories of dishonest partners that brought their relationship spiraling downward fast. It felt as though that one sentence came brilliantly wrapped in a gift aglow with insight.
Truthfully, I don’t recall what the statement was in response to, but I suddenly saw that no matter what lie a person might tell, it was often the result of “knowing someone or something too well” (that is, feeling comfortable enough to lie) or the fear of some negative repercussion, if they simply told the truth.
So let’s have a closer look at this statement. I’ve often observed that people lie because they are afraid to tell the truth for fear of leaving a bad impression or starting an argument with a person they really care about. They have an investment in the person; they care about the outcome of every encounter and conversation. So rather than be truthful when asked a question or during a conversation, they fib a little or outright lie, as they may be too ashamed, embarrassed, or they may fear the consequences of telling the whole truth with someone who really matters to them, or who they may be trying to impress.
Photo by Keira Burton
I think of my own life: As a child I can recall fibbing to avoid a punishment; sometimes I’d get away with it but mostly I’d get punished anyway and feel humiliated. As an adult I admit that I’ve lied about my age, whether older or younger, to get what I wanted. I’ve lied about having plans rather than attend a gathering out of fear of being judged for preferring to be alone that night. I’m pretty sure there are other times that I’ve lied to get out of something I didn’t want to do or seeing someone I didn’t care to spend time with. But why? Why did I, and why do we, lie rather than simply be honest about what we are feeling or thinking?
Why not tell the truth always and not worry how it lands for the other person? One of the gifts of insight the statement brought to me was the realization that there is never a good reason to lie or even fib, whether it’s someone we’ve known a lifetime or someone we just met.
When our truth is spoken with care and kindness, it can’t hurt the listener, unless they hear it as a criticism and not realize that it wasn’t meant against them, but simply the speaker taking care of themselves or pointing out something that could be beneficial for them to hear!
In my next post, I will explain how all of this - to lie or not to lie- is explained by an understanding of the 3 Principles: Mind, Thought and Consciousness.
In my next post, I will explain how all of this is explained via a simple understanding of the 3 Principles of Mind, Thought and Consciousness. It never ceases to amaze me how 3 simple Principles can explain life and human interaction AND offer an understanding of how we work, which in turn alleviates emotional pain and suffering while bringing clarity to any situation! Call it one-stop shopping, if you will. By understanding our spiritual nature we also assist our emotional lives. That’s the direction I always want to look toward — it’s where wisdom is found.
“Listen for a positive Feeling.”
Photo by Brett Jordan
Lori Carpenos, LMFT is a marriage and family therapist with a global online practice, based in West Hartford, Connecticut, USA. She has been passionate about sharing the three Principles that explain many life mysteries, and all psychological experiences, as articulated by the late Sydney Banks, since 1985 through writing, counseling, mentoring, and facilitating “Mystery School”, a six-week online course to study the teachings of Sydney Banks, who was handed the keys to the divine mystery in 1973. She is the co-author of “The Secret of Love, Unlock the Mystery, Unleash the Magic”, with Christine Heath; “Healthy Thinking, Feeling, Doing From the Inside-out,” with Jack Pransky; and the author of “It’s an Inside-out World”
Lori also offers a variety of 3 Principles retreats in the Dominican Republic.
